Great wildlife, average job.

Job update: While the boys started at the same level in the company (mid-class, clean cut, fairly hard working gentlemen), their careers have taken different paths. Jim is being groomed for management and a bright future at the gas station, while Sam's performance has landed him dangerously close to the chopping block. Our guess is that Jim gets promoted around the same time Sam gets shit-canned for doing old lady impressions to an old lady.

Regardless, its time for a mid-summer outlook...great/average style.

The Salmon Bake bar: great music, average crowd/venue.

Bears in Denali: great look, average people skills.

Jim Moen: great camping gear, average karma (explanation: on the most recent camping trip, Jim realized he'd lost his raincoat...and was forced to wear an emergency poncho...the same kind he made fun of Sam for wearing. His words: "Karma has kicked my ass.")

Sam Neumann: great blogger, average humility (he's writing this...)

Co-worker Crystal: great customer service, average one-liners.

Co-worker Kenny: great one-liners, average customer service. Terrible customer service.

Virginia Slims: great cigarettes, average sales records.

Eric Vandenhoogen (manager): great manager, average knowledge of anything relating to the retail business.

Foul Play readers: great people, average understanding of what most of these mean.

Reading this is probably not worth your time.

But here you are anyway. Foul Play salutes you and appreciates your commitment after such a long layoff.

Jim has been working on a massive hitch-hiking-related post for a week or two, but has been too busy with his work at the Lynx Creek store to finish it. Don't worry, it'll be up soon. I'm going to start beating him in his sleep a little more each night until he gets it done.

In the meantime, we just took a camping trip to Wonder Lake, which is 85 miles into the park and where this picture of the majestic Mt. McKinley was taken. It, of course, was a good experience. But it made the discrepancies in preparedness between the two of us even more obvious. You see, being a Moen, Jim has every available piece of camping gear known to man, and it of course is all of the highest quality (to the tune of around $32,000). Sam, being a Neumann, has none of it (say...$3.25), and is still trying to convince himself he doesn't need it. 

Picture the following scene:

Jim sleeping soundly on a memory-foam mattress in a climate-controlled portable mansion with scantily clad women bringing him fine wine to drink and grape tomatoes to munch on. All the while, Sam is curled up outside in the freezing rain, shivering and wearing nothing but a pair on gym shorts and a yellow rain poncho.

That may be an exaggeration...but I think it gets the point across.

So the question is: does this make Sam the idiot sidekick for being unprepared? Or is he the action hero for doing all the same things Jim does, just with far less gear?

It's up to you to decide. To be honest...I'm not even sure of the answer.

Lost in a gift shop

Why hello again. This is a picture of some Dall Sheep we saw on a hike up the mountains. Friendly creatures, really. I also have a picture of some grizzlies running a few hundred yards from us, but the image is pretty inconclusive. Hey, you try taking a good picture when you're pissing your pants.

So far, we've pretty much seen all the major animals...so we can check that one off the list. The logical next step is hunting all of them. I'm sharpening my knife.

The real wildlife around here, however, is the old people. I may have mentioned before that the average age of the guests at these resorts is 65. After further research, that figure might be low. Regardless, old-timers say the darndest things, especially when you only catch one piece of the conversation. Hear are a few examples of some things overheard:

Old lady: (On a bus going in to the park) "Lois got lost in the gift shop, so she'll have to catch the next bus..." 

(She said this in all seriousness. The lady actually got lost...in a gift shop.)

Creepy guy: "Can I get a picture of you two in front of the mountain? It's going on my photo blog..."

(Disclaimer: yes, this is a blog and yes, there are photos on it. But I would never admit either to a complete stranger. It's something I'm going to include in my upcoming book, "How to fail at life.")

Sometimes the humor comes not from the old people, but at their expense. This may sound unkind, but it's all in fun. Consider the following passage from our co-worker, Kenny. He actually says all the things that go through my head that I wish I could say.

Setting: end of a hiking trail.

Kenny: "Did yall see the grizzlys?"

Old people: "Where?"

Kenny: "In the park."

Old people: (excited about their sighting) "Yes, we saw a few over on the riverbed!"

Kenny: "Oh, over there? That's nothing special. Everyone's seen those. You need to find your own."

Old people: (Turn and walk away)

Yep, this is life in Alaska.

Week in review

Okay, so it's been a week in Alaska and I know all three of our readers are dying for a new post. So here it is, in the form of a thumbs up/thumbs down edition.

Thumbs up: Working at the Lynx Creek Gas Station/Convenience Store/Booze Shop. It actually is turning out to be a good gig. It's easy, good co-workers, and its the only seller of off-sale alcohol in the area. So far, so good.

Thumbs down: Smashing fingers in doors (pictured to the right). That's Sam's finger...yep, just smashed it in a door. Right now, its the size of a small Jeep. 

Thumbs up: Off days. In the last two days, we've climbed a mountain, seen three moose, and visited the home/kennel of a dog-musher who won the Iditarod four times. There were about 100 Alaskan huskies there...good times. We also climbed another mountain a few days back, and have pictures of everything. Which raises the question: why do I keep posting non-wilderness related photos on here? I'm not sure. Have patience, they will come.

Thumbs down: Booze prices. And prices for everything, actually, but it hurts more when its the essential items. A six-pack of decent beer is $10.49...you don't even want to know what we pay at the bar. So far, there's been a lot of Rich and Rare whiskey consumed...

Thumbs up: The Salmon Bake. So far, its the most happenin bar in the area (it had a one in three chance), even if it costs a days wages to enjoy a few drinks there. Last night, we saw a band there called "The Gangly Moose," which consisted of three guys over 50 jamming their asses off. 

That's all I got right now. I'm gonna go ice the finger.

Seriously?

Apparently, "gift shop" also really means "gas station." You have got to be shitting me.

Heartache

So...to get the red tape out of the way...

1. We arrived in Fairbanks last night. Stayed at a Hostel called Billie's Backpackers...it was top drawer. Met a guy and a Swedish girl.

2. Jim fell in love with the Swede within the first 30 seconds. He's such a romantic. They shared a bed...and by shared I mean they slept in separate beds.

3. Got to Denali today by way of an overpriced shuttle. Jim forgot his required documentation to work...so he's got to ship back to Fairbanks tomorrow. Strike one.

4. So far, Alaska looks awesome. And it smells suspiciously like coffee...

Now, for the real meaning of this post. Can you guess what Jim was thinking in this picture? I know what you're thinking; he looks happy, doesn't he? Wrong.

This picture was taken right after Jim found out where he'd be working this summer. You see, on his job description, it says "camp store." So, like a fool, Jim assumed he'd be working at a camp store. Not the case. 

We decided to go across the road today to buy a 12-pack...standard procedure. We go in to a gas station with a small selection of snacks and a small liquor store. Jim mumbles about what a dump the place was...then realizes that the employees are wearing the same clothes he was told to bring. This raised a bit of a red flag, but he brushed it aside. I mean, there's no way that this was the camp store, right?

Wrong. The man who checked Jim out was named Eric Van den Hoogen. Jim's supervisor is also named Eric Van den Hoogen. Could've been a different Eric Van den Hoogen. But probably not. 

Nope, Jim will be spending the next 3 months working at a gas station. He drowned his sorrows by downing ice cream and yams and mumbling about hitting his head with a ballpeen hammer. He's getting over it.

What does the future hold? Does Sam really work at a "gift shop?" Only time will tell. For now, we've got to get back to that 12-pack.

The Calm Before The Storm

It's happening.

Just over a week from when we leave for the great up north, and it is finally setting in that yes, we actually are going to be spending the entire summer in the great state of Alaska. Well...it's probably great. I mean, neither of us have ever been there...but it has to at least be in the top 50% of states, right? Way better than Idaho and the Dakotas, no doubt. Please refrain from making any Iowa jokes.
Anyway, we're joining many other lost souls like ourselves in an attempt to find life's true meaning in the deliciousness of the Alaskan wilderness. We will become one with nature (not to mention the fact that we're working/living in a large, energy-consuming resort that probably harms the environment in enough ways to make Hillary Clinton tear out of one of her pants-suits in anger. Oh well, get over it. Nature will survive.).
Regardless, we're both getting excited. Jim is excited to meet some hippie-girls. Sam is excited to make fun of those hippie-girls. It's going to be a good summer.

Which gets us to the reason for this post: what are the odds that one or both of us gets eaten by a grizzly bear this summer? It's a real possibility. We're setting them at 50-1. If we were you, we'd put $1,000 down on us getting eaten. Why?
A. It would make the summer more interesting...like an episode of man vs. wild, aside from the fact that there would be no cameras and there would be an actual chance of us dying.
B. Think about it; if we do get eaten, while everyone else is mourning our deaths, you'll have a nice little payday to keep you happy. Really, you can't lose with this bet. Call it in to Vegas.