Young love...50 years later

Take a look at this picture. What do you see? 

If you said an old man past his prime hitting on three women even further past their prime, you're right. This old boy stepped into the store not too long ago for reasons I can't remember (most likely to buy a six pack of bud light and ask where the nearest mini-golf course was). These fine ladies happened to be there at the same time, buying muffins and crackers and going about the general business of the upper-middle-aged. One look at them, and he was lovestruck.

After he bought his goods, he asked me some generic question about the area (where is the park entrance?, do you have cigars?, how can I see the mountain?...I could go on...). While I was in the middle of my equally generic answer, he politely cut me off and informed me he was done with me, and was now concentrating on the beautiful women in the store. I took a look around the place, didn't see anything remotely resembling beautiful, and quietly accepted the fact that this man was either off his rocker or in a decade-long drought. Either way, I wasn't going to argue with him, so I let him stand there at the counter and try to strike up a conversation with the ladies for a few minutes (judging by his game, I'm leaning toward the decade-long drought option). 

They eventually grew tired of this and left the store. As you can see in the picture, he promptly followed them out and continued spitting mad game. I hope the four of them are very happy together.

I feel like you need to know these things.

Denim shirts.

I may have mentioned before that at the shit job we work, the Lynx Creek Store (or simply gas station...if you want to call it what it is), we are required to wear denim shirts. At first, I laughed it off as part of the job. After months of wearing them five days a week, however, the humor has died completely. It's not funny; it blows. Anyone who has ever been forced to wear one knows what I'm talking about, so for the love of God I'm hoping none of you do. 

But seriously, sometimes I wonder what the appeal of a denim shirt is. Why would anyone in their right mind want their employees to wear jeans on their upper bodies. Is it casual or dressy? I would say neither, only demeaning. What was wrong with a polo?

I picture a conversation between two Lynx Creek decision makers going something like this:

Person A: Okay, so the season is coming up, and we need to decide what the employees will be wearing this year.

Person B: Right. How about those nice casual dress shirts we had them wear last year? They seemed to like them.

A: No way. Those shirts were way too comfortable and nice-looking. We can't make that mistake again. Remember what we've got here: these kids are working a terribly boring and mundane job that they probably hate, we don't pay them shit, and they have to deal with crabby, wrinkled-up tourists all day. We're really screwing them over with this job, and we need a uniform that reflects that.

B: Of course, of course. We need to really suck the life out of these kids. Hmm...how about muscle shirts?

A: Could work. They look retarded, but some employees might enjoy the comfort and breathability. 

B: Can't have that. Say... leotards?

A: Better, closer, warmer...but I think we can do better yet.

B: Hey, here's an idea: why don't we take blue-jeans and make shirts out of them? They'll be uncomfortable, awkward, and completely stupid looking.

A: (pause while he thinks) Yes...YES! That's it! Make jeans into shirts...they'll hate it!

B: I'll get right on it. We can make them tuck them in and wear name tags, too.

A: I love my job.

Great wildlife, average job.

Job update: While the boys started at the same level in the company (mid-class, clean cut, fairly hard working gentlemen), their careers have taken different paths. Jim is being groomed for management and a bright future at the gas station, while Sam's performance has landed him dangerously close to the chopping block. Our guess is that Jim gets promoted around the same time Sam gets shit-canned for doing old lady impressions to an old lady.

Regardless, its time for a mid-summer outlook...great/average style.

The Salmon Bake bar: great music, average crowd/venue.

Bears in Denali: great look, average people skills.

Jim Moen: great camping gear, average karma (explanation: on the most recent camping trip, Jim realized he'd lost his raincoat...and was forced to wear an emergency poncho...the same kind he made fun of Sam for wearing. His words: "Karma has kicked my ass.")

Sam Neumann: great blogger, average humility (he's writing this...)

Co-worker Crystal: great customer service, average one-liners.

Co-worker Kenny: great one-liners, average customer service. Terrible customer service.

Virginia Slims: great cigarettes, average sales records.

Eric Vandenhoogen (manager): great manager, average knowledge of anything relating to the retail business.

Foul Play readers: great people, average understanding of what most of these mean.

Reading this is probably not worth your time.

But here you are anyway. Foul Play salutes you and appreciates your commitment after such a long layoff.

Jim has been working on a massive hitch-hiking-related post for a week or two, but has been too busy with his work at the Lynx Creek store to finish it. Don't worry, it'll be up soon. I'm going to start beating him in his sleep a little more each night until he gets it done.

In the meantime, we just took a camping trip to Wonder Lake, which is 85 miles into the park and where this picture of the majestic Mt. McKinley was taken. It, of course, was a good experience. But it made the discrepancies in preparedness between the two of us even more obvious. You see, being a Moen, Jim has every available piece of camping gear known to man, and it of course is all of the highest quality (to the tune of around $32,000). Sam, being a Neumann, has none of it (say...$3.25), and is still trying to convince himself he doesn't need it. 

Picture the following scene:

Jim sleeping soundly on a memory-foam mattress in a climate-controlled portable mansion with scantily clad women bringing him fine wine to drink and grape tomatoes to munch on. All the while, Sam is curled up outside in the freezing rain, shivering and wearing nothing but a pair on gym shorts and a yellow rain poncho.

That may be an exaggeration...but I think it gets the point across.

So the question is: does this make Sam the idiot sidekick for being unprepared? Or is he the action hero for doing all the same things Jim does, just with far less gear?

It's up to you to decide. To be honest...I'm not even sure of the answer.

Lost in a gift shop

Why hello again. This is a picture of some Dall Sheep we saw on a hike up the mountains. Friendly creatures, really. I also have a picture of some grizzlies running a few hundred yards from us, but the image is pretty inconclusive. Hey, you try taking a good picture when you're pissing your pants.

So far, we've pretty much seen all the major animals...so we can check that one off the list. The logical next step is hunting all of them. I'm sharpening my knife.

The real wildlife around here, however, is the old people. I may have mentioned before that the average age of the guests at these resorts is 65. After further research, that figure might be low. Regardless, old-timers say the darndest things, especially when you only catch one piece of the conversation. Hear are a few examples of some things overheard:

Old lady: (On a bus going in to the park) "Lois got lost in the gift shop, so she'll have to catch the next bus..." 

(She said this in all seriousness. The lady actually got lost...in a gift shop.)

Creepy guy: "Can I get a picture of you two in front of the mountain? It's going on my photo blog..."

(Disclaimer: yes, this is a blog and yes, there are photos on it. But I would never admit either to a complete stranger. It's something I'm going to include in my upcoming book, "How to fail at life.")

Sometimes the humor comes not from the old people, but at their expense. This may sound unkind, but it's all in fun. Consider the following passage from our co-worker, Kenny. He actually says all the things that go through my head that I wish I could say.

Setting: end of a hiking trail.

Kenny: "Did yall see the grizzlys?"

Old people: "Where?"

Kenny: "In the park."

Old people: (excited about their sighting) "Yes, we saw a few over on the riverbed!"

Kenny: "Oh, over there? That's nothing special. Everyone's seen those. You need to find your own."

Old people: (Turn and walk away)

Yep, this is life in Alaska.

Week in review

Okay, so it's been a week in Alaska and I know all three of our readers are dying for a new post. So here it is, in the form of a thumbs up/thumbs down edition.

Thumbs up: Working at the Lynx Creek Gas Station/Convenience Store/Booze Shop. It actually is turning out to be a good gig. It's easy, good co-workers, and its the only seller of off-sale alcohol in the area. So far, so good.

Thumbs down: Smashing fingers in doors (pictured to the right). That's Sam's finger...yep, just smashed it in a door. Right now, its the size of a small Jeep. 

Thumbs up: Off days. In the last two days, we've climbed a mountain, seen three moose, and visited the home/kennel of a dog-musher who won the Iditarod four times. There were about 100 Alaskan huskies there...good times. We also climbed another mountain a few days back, and have pictures of everything. Which raises the question: why do I keep posting non-wilderness related photos on here? I'm not sure. Have patience, they will come.

Thumbs down: Booze prices. And prices for everything, actually, but it hurts more when its the essential items. A six-pack of decent beer is $10.49...you don't even want to know what we pay at the bar. So far, there's been a lot of Rich and Rare whiskey consumed...

Thumbs up: The Salmon Bake. So far, its the most happenin bar in the area (it had a one in three chance), even if it costs a days wages to enjoy a few drinks there. Last night, we saw a band there called "The Gangly Moose," which consisted of three guys over 50 jamming their asses off. 

That's all I got right now. I'm gonna go ice the finger.